full of moxie and viscosity

Just when you think everything is copacetic, crazy stuff happens. Your family gets into a little tiff, you run out of money all of a sudden, you lose an earring, you remember why you started writing in the first place, you get lonely...

But it's all a process, a cycle, a circle. I wouldn't have one without the other. The nice times are soft and smooshy, but the bad times are easy to lay back into, also. It's just a matter of perspective.

Getting my hair fixed today. Such a idea.
In other news,
Daniels run my life!

Okay, we all love John Cusack. But have we all seen "Better Off Dead"? Probably not. If you have not seen this movie, go now. These are some little enticers to watch it:

Japanese Racing Brothers
Christmas Reindeer/Aardvark Costumes for He AND She
Beautiful French Woman
Pig Burgers
Crazy Paperboys
JOHN CUSACK


That should be enough. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. And I usually laugh pretty hard (though I must admit, tonight I laughed some pretty raucous, annoying, explosive laughter that I was even a little embarrassed to have experienced. You know it's bad when you embarrass yourself in private).

One other thing- does anyone else go through entire relationships with people just from smiling at them? We meet eyes, smile, and all of a sudden we're breaking up at Dunkin Donuts on our two year anniversary trip to New York. You know?

Feeling so giddy I can hardly stand up.
THE USC SIRENS RARB REVIEW FOR TIED TO THE MAST
I can't speak. This is incredibly good. I knew this was coming for the Sirens, I only didn't know it would come so good and so hard (wow, that's sexual!).

I love the girls, thanks to them, I fall asleep grinning tonight.
SAILORS BEWARE.

I've decided to go back to school to become a teacher. Now, in the last month, I've gone from wanting to move in with my nanny charge to wanting to go back to school for graphic design to wanting to now be a teacher. So who knows how long this sentiment will really last. Regardless, this is the most excited I've been about something in a while, which really feels good. Like Dylan and I were talking about, this adventure will be one that I am sure of the results. I know already that teaching will be fulfilling for me in a really base, inherent way. I'm stoked about it. (And the three months off a year.)

In more melancholy news, I need to rid myself of these guilty feelings. I'm trying to be as candid as humanly possible with myself about what they could really be, but I'm so unsure. Usually they come after a night of drinking (last night was Adam Marcello in McMinnville... needless to say, he drove ME home... I love that guy...) and/or when I'm tired. Usually after drinking, though. I don't know if it's just a reaction to the alcohol (it is a downer, after all) or if I really have some pent up something inside of myself that I need to clear out. I think I feel guilty about things I've done in the past when I was drunk, and maybe that's coming out when I drink now. Maybe I need to face those things. I don't even really know why they bother me, anyway.

Time for bed. This week is gonna be a doozie.

THE COMFORT ZONE POST

Vicki brought it to my attention that Taurus' need their comfort zone. They love their cookies and blankets. (Read: Emily Roellke is a Taurus.) I think the idea of a comfort zone is pretty interesting- either you:
a) have one and love it and use it appropriately
b) have one and need to branch out of it
c) don't have one and are constantly searching for one
d) don't have one and don't want one.

I can think of people from each category. I think that I am letter c) all the way. Mostly this is in reference to my romantic life, because in all other areas I think I'm pretty comfortable. I think I'm fickle, but comfortable. I'm thinking about going back to school for graphic design in the spring. Fickle fickle. But my point is, comfort zones are usually sited as negative things. "Break out of that comfort zone!" "You need to stretch your limits. Think outside the box!" "You're relying too much on your comfort zone." But for me, I think a comfort zone might do me good.

At times in our lives, we all feel the need to test those we care about. This may sound condescending or even a little untrusting, but we all do it subconsciously if not on purpose. I did it today, to a man I really do care for with every ounce of myself. I tested him completely inadvertently. I asked to see him. With all of the self-control I never knew he had, he declined, graciously, carefully, and all at once, I realized the test I had given. I sit now, wanting to admit that I am feeling rejected but in all honesty, not feeling that way at all. I sit and thank him for choosing the right thing. These backspaces I type are only to ensure that the words to follow are the right ones. And his answer to the test reassures me that his character, his morality, is in tact, the way I wished it to be, and I am smiling all night long with my fingers in his memory.

If I had the choice, I'd be a songwriter.
If HE had the choice, we'd be together.

C'est la vie.

Home in Fresno now. Today was Emily Roellke's high school graduation. Sitting in the auditorium, watching all of the kids walk the stage, I realized two things: how very little time has passed since I graduated, and how much time has really passed since I graduated. It was yesterday and ten ages ago. Bizarre.

Also, Emily was by far the cutest little girl born after 1981 and since. (Obviously I can't deny my personal adorableness. It's unreal.) My dad made her a video similar to mine (much more high techy- a DVD with scene selections and fades between scenes... very posh...) and I've been watching it since I got home. Still in love with it. The kid was adorable. Brilliant. It's intense. My favorite: these are her new words to "You Are My Sunshine" that she made up at age 2.5 while playing with her Barbie dolls (verbatim):

Please don't take my sunshine away
Please don't take my sunshine away
Please don't take my sunshine away
I'm gonna take my Unshine away
It's name is Kipper
And such a idea
Cept I'm gonna take her to the garage
Cept I'm gonna put her in the car
Chu chu I love you
And such a idea
And chu I love you

Her version of Jingle Bells:
Jingle Bells Jingle Bells Jingle all the way
Stephanie Stephanie
Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh
Stephanie Stephanie.