full of moxie and viscosity

What an amazing birthday. I got all of the things I wanted to get, in so, so many ways. (wink, wink)

My family is amazing, my friends here are amazing (and I HAVE friends), I'm fresh, friendly and flippin out. Things are good. I feel great. 24 is starting out the way it should.

I'm turning 24 tomorrow. It seems like 23 went by really, really quickly, but then when I think of it in certain terms, it was a long year. I moved back from Vancouver, quit Starbucks, saw Europe, closed my legs, tutored, taught, learned from the kids (learned everything I know, really), bought a car, saved NO money, closed the book on a fantasy, decided to move to LA, decided not to move to LA, decided to move to Portland, made good with my sister, wrote new poetry, changed old prose, got a tan and fell out of love.

It was a pretty good year, all in all. I think I'm going to shoot for something less dramatic, more purposeful in my 24th year. My not-so-secret heart hopes for the obvious, but knows it's a futile effort. I'll be okay alone. Right, Gabe?

Still no phone.
It's liberating in some ways (not having to check messages, not having to talk to anyone, my purse is lighter) and really, horribly frustrating in others. The catch to all of this is that I'm still with AT&T, and since that's the case, I can't just get a new phone and be done... I have to MIGRATE OVER TO CINGULAR and theeeen get a new phone... which means I lose any voicemails I may have gotten in the last two days and I might lose half my phone numbers.

This is a good exercise for me to not freak out about things like voicemails and phone numbers. I am going to be okay. A mass email needed to take place anyway, since I'm going to start blogging every day again. I've been neglecting this little space.

A picking update: I was really good right before I went to visit Seth, like, a month with no picking at all. Now, not so good. I'm trying hard, but it's really difficult. I think I need to give myself incentives again. Or get some help. I don't know. It's hard to make decisions like that. Not helping are my super hard, super long fingernails that look awesome and feel awesome (in a bad way).

AAAAH! I WANT MY PHONE BACK!

I'm trying not to read into this too much, but in the last week, I lost both my planner (all my substitute dates written inside...eek) and dropped my phone in the pool. Tonight I sit, no idea what's happening this week in substitution, no way to call anyone... plans for the evening (house music in the Tower District, perhaps Crockford's party) will still take place... but I have no idea who will be there, when I should go, who to go with....

It doesn't matter. I will stop by Pepe's house to see if he's around and I will go to the show alone if I can't find him and I will be damn near perfectly okay with that. I have to be. I will be. I am.

And I'm thinking of molting my skin and starting over.

PANIC ATTACK!

I just got all the information in the mail about Portland State... and it looks like I have a ton of prerequisites I have to get taken care of before I go... and that I have to do it part time unless I want to pay approx. 10 grand more (since I'm a non-resident). I have to call them and see if I can get some credits transferred or some classes waived... eeek... And even then, I might not get in until Summer semester... so so so long from now...

What am I going to DO? I have to get out of here. I have to... things are getting farther and farther away from where I want them to be... losing sight of what I started out looking for. I gotta go before I sink any deeper. Fresno is eating me ALIVE...

It's not just the heat, though in all honesty that's starting to get to me a little bit. The air is totally brown and horribly hot all. the. time. and it's not fun to take a deep breath and start coughing. Yuck.

I think it's more the realization that whether I like it or not, I'm still growing a lot. I'm still maturing, every day that I have is a move towards someone I will be later. So when I go to make stupid decisions... one in particular that I'm pretty conflicted about... I have to realize that I'm not Rachel Roellke 2001. I'm not even Rachel Roellke 2003. I'm so far from that immature, idealistic, naive, in love and in trouble girl. I have a new perspective.

I won't be making that bad decision, I'll stay right here in Fresno, California on those fateful nights in August instead of driving anywhere that might result in the restatement of any kind of feelings or the contraction of any STD's. I'm fresh and friendly, please leave your VD's at the door. Bad decision has been made into a good one, though I do find myself short on intimate interaction these days and the temptation is a real, real big one.


The point here is that I have a really good, mature choice made to go back to school and get my degree and be a teacher and make a difference somewhere, with someone... and I've made a good choice to be in Portland, because I know that I will like it there... and I've made a good choice to be here in Fresno for a little while to save my money and be frugal and take care of my busines... so the other decisions I make in my life should be as fruitful, productive and joy-bringing.

This means...

nickel between my knees.

Sigh.

I have so many blogs I want to post and I just literally do not have the time to post them. Isn't that awful? This weekend I should have time to get my situation in a more handleable place (read: all family is dispersing today... re-entrance into my room permitted, familial obligations reduced to regular nuclear family) and all of my little projects will find a home in my schedule. This weekend is going to be good.

Not much to say right now, as the children must be picked up from the blacktop in only five minutes.

I'm going to get a book of poetry together of Fresno authors. I'm going to get it published. Oh yes, I am.

I am going to be a teacher.

I am feeling happy and enlightened, renewed.

Of the slopes and lifts of this life, I truly enjoy these moments... drenched from the rain, walking into a dry, warm house, being embraced and greeted with cheeks.