PANIC ATTACK!
I just got all the information in the mail about Portland State... and it looks like I have a ton of prerequisites I have to get taken care of before I go... and that I have to do it part time unless I want to pay approx. 10 grand more (since I'm a non-resident). I have to call them and see if I can get some credits transferred or some classes waived... eeek... And even then, I might not get in until Summer semester... so so so long from now...
What am I going to DO? I have to get out of here. I have to... things are getting farther and farther away from where I want them to be... losing sight of what I started out looking for. I gotta go before I sink any deeper. Fresno is eating me ALIVE...
It's not just the heat, though in all honesty that's starting to get to me a little bit. The air is totally brown and horribly hot all. the. time. and it's not fun to take a deep breath and start coughing. Yuck.
I think it's more the realization that whether I like it or not, I'm still growing a lot. I'm still maturing, every day that I have is a move towards someone I will be later. So when I go to make stupid decisions... one in particular that I'm pretty conflicted about... I have to realize that I'm not Rachel Roellke 2001. I'm not even Rachel Roellke 2003. I'm so far from that immature, idealistic, naive, in love and in trouble girl. I have a new perspective.
I won't be making that bad decision, I'll stay right here in Fresno, California on those fateful nights in August instead of driving anywhere that might result in the restatement of any kind of feelings or the contraction of any STD's. I'm fresh and friendly, please leave your VD's at the door. Bad decision has been made into a good one, though I do find myself short on intimate interaction these days and the temptation is a real, real big one.
The point here is that I have a really good, mature choice made to go back to school and get my degree and be a teacher and make a difference somewhere, with someone... and I've made a good choice to be in Portland, because I know that I will like it there... and I've made a good choice to be here in Fresno for a little while to save my money and be frugal and take care of my busines... so the other decisions I make in my life should be as fruitful, productive and joy-bringing.
This means...
nickel between my knees.
Sigh.
