full of moxie and viscosity

I feel like rambling so I'm going to. I miss Nathan Gadd and Gabriel Mann because they're both very attractive and calming to be around but I feel very insecure around both of them as well because they have these higher things- Nathan, spirituality, Gabriel, music, and I have something else but it's neither of those and I envy them. I don't know what envy really is, I know jealousy but envy seems to have a different connotation, don't it? Jealousy is ugly, Envy is somehow okay? I don't know. Whenever I think jealousy I think Justin Ray and G.S., and who wants to think about them? I wondered about Justin today, wondered if I should call him. Just because I'm curious, really, how he's doing and if he's getting married to Nicole because I keep dreaming that he is which is either a) me projecting my fears of never getting married onto my fear of him falling in love before me and combining them or b) me being totally clairvoyant which is obviously the more plausible of the two. I haven't written on the novel in a long time and I think I might be afraid of it. After I have all this time off (not ALL this time off, a job will be gotten, be it a Gap job (corporate america eeewwww) or something great (nannying?) I will have a job, but regardless, I'll have a couple weeks here to myself, to calm down and write and do laundry and check out my financial situation and frolick in the god damned natural sunshine beauty of this Pacifica Northwesta. Thank god that I have kissed a man recently without being under the influence of alcohol. It was lovely and I had forgotten how nice it is to just simply make out for a long time. I haven't done that in forever. There's usually a goal in place. Making out is fun just for making out's sake. Tomorrow will be a good day because I'll have time to come home and recuperate after work. Maybe even go to the gym!! Wow, that would be excellent. Or maybe I should take it easy and relax, watch a movie, do laundry. Laundry seems to be a theme in this here blog. Dylan was speaking with a Southern drawl today online, if that is possible. Once I wrote the line, "her words hung in the air like limp clothes on a line across an alley." It was almost a good line.

I'm in Fresno, California right now. Watching Emily Roellke take on this whole new life, (a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view) the high school senior drama-rama. I'm in love with the girl. She's incredible, incredible, and so charismatic, talented, beautiful, funny, etc etc etc, one of those girls I could go on forever about.

I'm not moving back to Fresno, for those of you confused by my previous posts. I've quit my job at Hollywood Entertainment but I'm still working at Starbucks and looking for other job opportunities- see below for ideas...

Anyway, let's all mark this time in our little planners as "Conveyor Belt Twist Time" for me.

I like the way Fresno Spring smells, but it's nothing compared to Fresno Summers.

I did it today. Quit my first post-collegiate position. My bosses were incredibly understanding and nice about it- almost too much so- I wondered for a minute if they even cared that I was quitting. I'm glad they weren't mad, though... it would have made it really hard. So here I am, two weeks away from semi-unemployment. Time for a new job!! I think the nannying gig looks the best right now, but who knows. I'll have to keep my opciones abierto.

I was never cut out for the corporate puzzle. My cut is of a different shape.

Carolyn likes the idea of moving back to Fresno. (Just cause I'll have to drive through Chico to get there, though :)
I am still feeling very much in love with the idea of quitting. I hate that word, quitting, but I guess there's no other word for it. I need to feel a little less stuck in my job. I'm thinking of the following options for other jobs:
-nanny
-bookstore worker
-nonprofit something or other
-cocktail waitress
-dogwalker

Yeah, I could do those things. Or work at Urban! That would be SOOO fun!
Okay, time for work... bleckk.....

Giving my two-weeks notice this coming Wednesday. I think it's worn on me for long enough. I'm thinking about moving back to Fresno- and please, dear readers (I've been reading Nabokov, pardon my prose stylings), don't judge me based on the rashness of this email. If I lived in Fresno, I would be closer to my mom, closer to Los Angeles, closer to fine? This has been a good trip, but a trip nonetheless, and perhaps it is time to move on. Maybe the summer will be spent here, but there is always room for improvement, and I don't think I should stay here if I am no longer feeling that room.

Any suggestions?

Last actual day of tour. So much has happened but I feel like I am in the same place I was before- and this is a good thing. I spent a lot of time on this tour comforting girls, carefully steering situations away from disaster, and making funny decisions based on what seemed like nothing more than a whim. All were good times, though, and totally necessary. At the end of the day, though, I haven't moved much from the forward moving place on the conveyor belt that I left in Washington. I just stepped off for a moment to look at how great that spot is.

I would like to be able to say that tonight I am not going to drink alcohol. My body would like this very much: it hasn't had a break from the ol' bottle for four days now. Not that I've been drunk the whole time, but not a night has passed without a little booze.

Last night was Brandeis... totally great minus a couple of Seth moments- everyone for some reason at the bar wanted to talk to me about him, and then we watched a video from their California tour last year-- I was in the video a lot, sitting next to him, of course. For some reason it wasn't that hard to see or deal with, but definitely thought-inducing. Where am I now? Was I so vulnerable just a year ago that I fell back into a completely dead fantasy world without a thought? Or was it real? Was it real? I guess that I really will never, ever know.

Day Three of tour... after Night Two we...
smell like wine from the toga party
some of us are... sore?
are holding up miraculously well for the amount of alcohol we have ingested

and me personally... I am remembering slowly how much I like a cappella boys... regardless of how incredibly cheezy they are... they're so cute and sooooo dorky... I love it I love it I love it.

even the ones with girlfriends...

okay... especially the ones with girlfriends :)

No cabs available for this morning, so I'm driving myself to the airport. This is for sure one problem I never ran into in Los Angeles.

my new haircut and color

my new haircut and color, straight

As I stepped from my overly-air conditioned workplace today (stiflingly, chillingly, dismally air-conditioned with the comparison to the temperate, 68 degree, blue-skied wonder of today, peeking at us from our directors' office windows), I felt a crazy distance separate me from the place. I don't know what this week is going to bring, but for what it's worth, my intuition tells me I'm gonna need it.

Remember in American Beauty when he says sometimes there's so much beauty in the world he feels like his heart is going to cave in? Sometimes I think I feel the same way about love. Love makes me feel so crazy like that. I feel like it's not just in this world- but in me- there's so much love I can't ever attempt to express it or even feel it right... so much love... one big love.

I am in SUCH A FUNK!
I have messed up a bunch of orders this week.
I went to work FOUR HOURS LATE today just because I slept in.
I've been spending money that I do not have.
However.

I am going on tour with the Sirens starting this coming Friday. There is little to be upset about because of that fact. I absolutely cannot wait. I absolutely cannot wait.

I think I may be a little depressed. It's safe to say I've been a little less than careful with myself in recent months, which is good in some ways and a little dangerous in others. Without going into any kind of revealing detail, I can assure the curious minds that I'm not in any kind of danger NOW... but that there have been situations, none emotional, but some physical and a few mental, that have been definitively dangerous for me. Risk taking is one thing, but putting myself into actual danger is another all together, and I can't help but define those decisions as results of depression.

HOWEVER. I have not picked at my breasts for over a week. A WEEK. That time frame has never happened before, even in the happiest of times in my past, I have still gone to the minefield every once in a while regardless. But now, no. I haven't even looked sideways at myself and my nails are growing out and I feel so GOOD about it... I'm trying hard now to compartmentalize these things but it's not working. Am I simply finding new ways to manifest my inherently lonely heartache? Or is it that I have a new kind of problem, a new onus for self-mutilation? Do I need more friends here? Do I need a }gasp{ boyfriend? Do I need to work on the novel more to provide more of those compartmentalizations?

With a marked neck and a rolling stomach, I now depart to Starbucks to mix espresso shots with confusion in the hopes that I will come out of my shift a little less crazy.