full of moxie and viscosity

Sometimes we get too wrapped up, like wrinkles around a belly button, squirming and fighting for a spot inside somewhere dark and knotted. I was so sure of moving back to LA, but for what? For the people there, only. To hear Gabe play and hang out with Melanie and Lizzy. Those people are so dear to me, so close to my heart. They are my heart, you know? But Los Angeles is full of greed and fake boobs and mistakes, mistakes, mistakes. It seems so dirty and like I would be moving backwards to go there.

I have to move forward, and I didn't give Portland the chance it deserved. I know that I will love wherever I move because that's the way I roll, but I want to be somewhere with live music, with nature, with clean air and people who listen. Portland has that, and more, more that I haven't seen yet. I could move here and learn about the city. I could move here and go to school and be a teacher here. I could do that so easily. I want to do that. I want to live where I want to live, not where the people are. I need to move forward.

I never thought I would be in such a transitional, autonomous spot in my life. I always thought things would be a little more worked out by this point. I don't mind it. It's just different.

And in other abstract news, birth news and death news within minutes of each other spin my brain into spaghetti.