full of moxie and viscosity

All of this effort put forth. All of these tears cried, words written, curses uttered, decisions made- all of it for naught? I apologize for everything. For my huge, swollen heart. For my idealistic dew-eyed view of everything. For making it ten times more difficult than it had to be. To all of you, the men, my deepest apologies. I was a little girl. I wanted to feel you beside me, or across the country from me, whispering, singing, playing your horn, speaking your wisdom, holding me dear. I wanted you to be within me, to fill the void. But my void was simply youth.

And all this time I’ve been looking for the end, for some rest. The end of my entanglement with him, the end of his effect on me. But in reality, there was no entanglement other than my own consciousness. There was no effect. (I once wrote, the longlasting effects of a broken heart are stretching over my window, shadowing my day, but I was wrong.)