A new epiphany in light of my moving to Fresno. I think that the juxtaposition of another move with seventeen months of introspection and meditation has provided me with inexplicable perspective.
This may seem like a dramatic thing to say, but I believe that I have objectified myself for the last four years of my life, believing that the only way to truly win a man over is to become sexually involved with him. If I examine my track record carefully, it proves the point. I never thought anyone was ever really into me unless we were hooking up. It's true. No matter our spiritual, philisophical, intellectual, mental or lyrical connection- if we never kissed, never held each other, it meant nothing. Or rather, my perception was that it meant nothing to THEM.
But at the brink of this new experience (home again and feeling fine), I find myself begging for something more. Can I dismiss all of that objectifying? I did it to myself, I can't blame the men for subscribing... I told them to do it, and repeatedly. There were other issues involved: of course I can't claim that my self-objectifying nature was the only thing that caused the demise of these relationships, but I can certainly admit my own fault in this particular vein.
I have other things going for me than my body (and I'm no Elle MacPherson anyway, but you know what I mean). I have a lot to give, and I've always wanted to give it. However, by forcing the physical end of things, I've denied those other gifts a chance to be given.
I just hate it that I forced that kind of intimacy onto the relationships, when really, they didn't necessarily need it. I'm sure that there was room for growth in many other areas, but maybe I just wasn't ready for that kind of commitment at the time. Even writing these words I realize their weight.
So from now on, I will try my hardest to move beyond that kind of objectifying ideal of myself (without denying a relationship a chance at physical intimacy), and at least give my other sterling characteristics (wink wink) a shot at the stage.
