I'm just going to write exactly what I want to write because I can and it's my blog and that's what this is all about, right? BLOGGING IS FOR VOMITING OF EMOTIONS.
I have a friend, let's call him... Doorknob. Platonic as platonic can be, we are. I stayed at his house two nights in a row and, not wanting to completly steal his bed from him, required that he stay in the bed with me. Let me confess here, I have had a crush on Doorknob in the past. This is only partially relevant, however, seeing as I had NO INTENT of getting jiggy with DK at this time. I stay over, we cuddle, I ask him several times if it's okay with him what we're doing, and he says, yes, yes, yes, yes. Two nights in a row.
NIGHT THREE: DK enters asshole zone for some reason, treats me like ass shit crap and leads me to believe he has some confession to make to me but he can't tell me, because it "needs analysis." I allot him a week to think, leave confused but hopeful that he will be able to explain his rotten behavior.
Doorknob avoids me for TWO and a HALF weeks. After this time period, I am able to extract from him (online, AIM) that he was so offended by my insistence on cuddling in his bed those two nights that he freaked out and had to ask all of his friends for advice on how to handle the situation. Their interpretation? VERY odd for a girl to cuddle up with a friend in bed. Very inappropriate.
Two hours and fifty nine apologies later, I'm still receiving reasons from Doorknob why my actions were uncalled for, strange, and inconsiderate. I state "perhaps I should stop IM'ing and calling you altogether, because I'm pretty concerned that I'm going to offend you again since I had no idea I had done it before." His response?
"Good idea."
Now I sit, COUNTRY FOOL THAT I AM, and wonder how I became such a horrible person, and when I will learn how not to offend people so frequently. Somehow I am more alone now than I was in Vancouver, if that's freaking possible, and wondering how many sessions of counseling I have on my damn Aetna insurance.
Part Two of this Blog is in regard to the four times in my life I can remember feeling truly guilty about something and not being able to shake it for a long, long time.
1. I tried to have a threesome once with this girl Stefanie and this kid Grant. Not a real threesome, but I was drunk and wanted to kiss both of them, and attemped to several times. I couldn't even REMEMBER doing it the next day. Felt awful forever until I became real good friends with both and realized they didn't care.
2. Made out with Mark while a certain person was in the other room, watching. Got over this one pretty quickly but really took it badly for about a month.
3. Did something, which I don't know, to Nathan Willett one night. Nathan Gadd won't tell me what it was, but it was awful and made Nathan G hate me for a bit. Still feel terrible about that.
4. Made Doorknob feel bad about cuddling. I should get over this one even faster, but it still makes me wonder...
Do the things that I do make me who I am? Or who I was? How can we measure what we learn if not by our actions?
