full of moxie and viscosity

I just can't get it right. I don't understand how I'm really supposed to be. I try so hard to be upfront with people, let them know how I feel, and then I end up backing off of it and feeling like the worst person in the world for telling them something- it's the Justin Ray Syndrome-- I turn into the Rachel I was with him... the other person is always right, I never have something rational or reasonable to say, and I am actually the bad person for wanting things to be different, or having emotions at all. I just don't get it. I don't know what that balance is. And it makes me really upset and lonely to think about it. So lonely, it's weird, like I want to reach out to someone that doesn't exist, something blank and whole, something white. It doesn't exist, but I really want to reach to it, let it run through my fingers, like everything else.