I feel a lot less social here. I'm not sure which came first- my feeling of not wanting to go out and have tons of friends or the actual not having. I think they came at about the same time. There's really nobody here that makes me go crazy, or makes my brain explode a la Mark or Nathan. Nobody who makes me feel as relaxed as Lizzy does. As loved as my mother does. As beautiful as Tiffany does. Nobody who makes me feel as inspired as Gabe does. It's not a bad thing, though.
I have discovered that explosion, craziness, relaxation, love, beauty, inspiration all exist within me. The need for stimulation is only the need for expansion. We are all catalysts. The bigger things (see above list) look like clouds to me, or big sheets of cellophane in the sky. Stretching over all of us. We are merely translators. Those things work through us really individually and uniquely (is uniquely a word? it is now.) It happens that in Los Angeles I was able to find people who showed me their own translations really appropriately and easily.
What is important now is my own translation. Last night, as I was watching A Beautiful Mind, at the end (of course) I was bawling. And laughing so hard at the same time, at independence, the existence of truth, beauty... and all I could think about in my earthly mind was how great the feeling would be to write down. I was torn in two- my physical, emotional side experiencing a beautiful, unrestrained, unadulterated moment of joy and simultaneous pain; my mental side itching to describe it.
So I don't have to go out, dance, eat chocolate, look at animal, take walk
(i don't want relationship, i just want...), but I can live and try hard to be the purest form of me- focus on my translation and make sure that I am expressing the universal things in a very Rachel Roellke kind of way.
(In this Pacific Northwest, a thousand miles away from my mother, a million miles away from my childhood, eleven days past a fake anniversary, and two steps forward from where I stood before, I can feel the rain hit my face, see the difference in colors, find something new- the triangulation of me, not me, and me.)
