I'm getting a feeling right now that I used to get when I was little a lot more: the feeling that there is something bigger than us, something stronger and larger and farther away. In my brain, I see where I am, and then the camera backs up, like those shots from movies when the camera starts on one person and ends up at the universe, the zoom out. It happens in my brain and the farther away from Earth I get, the more scared I am. Why am I one of these little units of energy? What do I mean? Is someone watching, and does it matter if they are? I get really scared thinking this way, really unsettled and shaken up. I'm making myself do it today because I need a little shaking up, a little stimulation. My Stimulate Me Blog did well, but I have a feeling that the stimulation I need has to come from within, and all you gutter brains knock it off-- I'm serious. I think the reason I require the stimulation I require is different- it has something to do with my current dissociative state of mind, my lack of ability to distinguish between fantasy and my current goals, between pain and healing, especially in regards to past relationships.
I can't escape these past romances. They are a part of me- a scar, as I like to say- and always will be. They will call me, I will talk to them, I will long for them, they will long for me (maybe), I will recall to my mind their lovely presence in my life, the touch of their hair on the inside of my elbow and the little words they turned into snacks for my hungry insides... but moreso, I have to remember the emptiness, the drag, the flatness. I have to remind myself sometimes of that, because it's too easy to say, "those were the good times. Ain't it sad that they're gone?" I am solely proportioned to love. I wrote to Tye today, sometimes my heart is overflowing and needs draining. Today is the day. The stimulation perhaps is not stimulation but the need for catharsis.
Vicki's blog talked about conversion. I thought it was interesting and well said, but I was having difficulty understanding its relation to my life. I think I just figured it out. (www.vickiforman.com)
