today i'm debating my lack of capital usage. since i started working all the time, and since when i work i am required to use capitals, i've started noticing how ugly that little "i" looks. does I look better? sigh, it does. here I go. I still refuse to capitalize beginnings of sentences. this whole debate reminds me of when I was a senior in high school and smitten with Daniel Peck- the fourteen year old- and I used to capitalize my R's for no reason, in the middle of woRds there would be a capital R, sized the same as a lowercase. then a year later I slipped a capital R in the middle of something and was sure it was a sign- I wasn't over him yet.
I just realized there is a sentence "does I look better?" which is awesome.
another thing I'm considering today is apologies. I'm not sure that apologies are good things. of course I feel bad about things that I do, and I'm very quick to apologize. but what is an apology? words insisting that we feel bad about something we did? it doesn't change the fact that we did it, or the fact that we would have probably done it again if we could go back. I guess it's just a way of providing the people in our lives with little pads on which to rest.
I haven't written on the novel in a while. it looks at me all the time, the little bugger, and it's all like "hey, rach, remember me? the embodiment of all of your vulnerability and fear? and, eventually, your healing? come on, come on, make me happen!" but then I play ten or twelve games of Snood, jill off, and call someone on the telephone. I'm halfway between wanting to write new scenes from years ago and wanting to publish the damn thing as is.
OH AND SPEAKING OF PUBLISHING, I got my first letter of rejection two days ago. I wasn't sad at all, a little ping of "aw." but then after that, I was pumped. I can be a writer! I can resubmit that story and write new ones and get rejected some more, and it's all great and the way it's supposed to be. Wonderful. I'm pumped. Can't wait for more rejections. Uh-oh, now I'm capitalizing sentences. Damn this real world.
