Alright, so we all know about my little dissociative disorder that I have so luckily picked up. I think that it goes way beyond what I've thought in the past. I realized today that I am completely obsessed with skin. If someone has good skin, no matter how ugly their hair is, how fat their stomach, how insane they are, they are AUTOMATICALLY more attractive than I am. It's a total obsession. And even moreso, I'm still picking. There is not a day that goes by without me doing it. I thought that once I got the novel going it would be a cinch- no more picking. I'm catharting (is that a word?) the demons that cause me to do it. But now I realize more than ever that things do not happen in a linear manner. Not for me, anyway. It's all very circular and sort of globulous (again, is that a word?). Today is yesterday is tomorrow etc. My perspective of the past changes because of today and obviously the future is changed because of today in the same way, so... today is tomorrow is yesterday? I just painted myself into a postmodern corner and it sucks.
Okay, back on track. What this all means is: My obsession with other people's skin is another manifestation of this whole mutilation thing- another way to literally PICK on myself. Can't I just get with it? For crying out loud. I'm getting really sick of it. Okay, starting today, no more. (How honestly hysterical is this?)
Conclusion: though I seem to emulate a confident person, and I feel fairly confident most of the time, I've got some crazy stuff going on below my mutilated surface. Stuff that I can only logically analyze, not stuff that I can control.
Conclusion #2: There will officially be no more whining or bitching on this blog. I am not this pathetic.
