one leg on each side
we are partitioned, cleaved
in my old, young fizzled flame
there is smoke in my eyes, there is.
sharper fingernails, longer eyelids
faster little pills
quieter mornings
closer touch
broader shoulders
browner backs
the way things were
has changed.
publish the draft,
make a new machine,
find ways to ignore
(what is summer love is happening in spring)
our redundancy.
substance abuse
changes form here.
(where there is no substance, no abuse can occur, right?)
right.
happy, happy birthday to me.
once again, i have discovered
a new present.
Fresno, fresno, fresno. This time around it's a little different. I guess I'm sick of being in between things I want to do. I want to get to the place where I don't worry about what the next step is. I guess that means going back to school, which sounds wonderful and just right and really, really nice. Everything about it seems right. I just don't know how it's going to work financially, logistically. There's something really secure about being home, though. I don't feel like I'm in between anything when I'm here, I feel more like I'm just at the foundation of who I am. I'm ready to discover floors 18 and 16 and 189, but for now I'm just at the base, looking up at where I can go from here.
Reggae Night tonight at the Green Room. Dacia and I just stumbled upon it and I found myself sweating to the best feel-good music around. I kept saying to myself, this is what it's all about. Just feeling good. Not caring who's watching, who's judging, who's cute, who's fat, who's smart, who's drunk. Just feeling good about what's going on. I wish that same attitude on the rest of my life. And everyone else's. Oh, and just as a side note, thank you, Dylan.
In the words of our pioneer pop icon Alanis Morrisette,
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm workin, yeah!
That's how I feel. Things that make me happy today include the shirt I bought at American Eagle just a few months ago (which gave me access to some extra special fun one evening after Connie turned me into a Janet Jackson and herself into a Justin Timberlake) that lost its elasticity around the chest, which then called me to action with a pair of emergency tailoring scissors; beef jerky; my decision to move home and my parents' excitement; my lunch date tomorrow; Kevin Perry; Chris Opsahl; Oil of Olay Refreshing Toner; countdowns.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for I can do whatever I want.
Beginning of September I'm moving back to Fresno. I'm unsure how long I'll be there, most likely just until the end of December. I need to recoup, get some money, hang out with my family and be near Gabriel :) This is the best life plan I've had since I decided to move here. Time for a change, and this time, I'm going to make money doing it. I'm still getting that tattoo, also.
The tattoo will happen before the end of August for sure. I'm putting money aside for it already. The real question is: what will it be? It's going to be located in between my shoulder blades.
The finalists:
or (this next one is long, but still really good)
"I don't know no love songs
I can't sing the blues anymore
But I can sing this song
And you can sing this song
When I'm gone"
I think I like both of them equally, but the second one has meant more to me for a longer period of time. I don't know. They're both good. Any votes either way?
This life is so insane. One day I can be literally inconsolable because I'm so out of sorts- confused about money, love, life... and then with a few little soft-shoe routines, I'm back in action with my hat on straight. I don't get it. Sometimes the smallest thing can make the bigger ones seem so inconsequential.
Tattoo ideas?
"ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go" -james taylor
"he lives in a pineapple under the sea" -re: spongebob
"singing seems to work fine for me"-james taylor
"the deeper that sorrow carves into my soul, the more joy it can contain" -khalil gibran
"gee, these pants are tight." -me
"why does snoop dogg need an umbrella? FOR DRIZZLE" -mike stavi
"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song" -Maya Angelou
"I want to sing like birds sing, not worrying who hears or what they think." - Rumi
"[On Filming Once Upon a Time in Mexico]It was very hard. The singing gave me diarrhea."- Salma Hayek
My dreams of karaoke stardom have begun! Well, in all honesty, I just sang Heartbreaker last night (holding back percussion yens all the while) after 6 or 7 beers (who's keeping track?). I sang it hard and loud and I swung my hair around a lot and I think I may have even growled a little bit. Yowzer.
Is this transitional stage of my life a bad thing? Probably not, but I'm back to the comfort zone thing. I kinda want one.
